Inner Journey

How Coming Undone Revealed My True Soulmate

 

 

 

Much is said about what needs to be done before meeting your ideal soulmate. However, what if I was to tell you that the key to meeting “the one” lies in being rather than doing. And, what if I also told you that before fully being anything, you must choose to undo all that does not serve you.

Still with me?

Good. Let’s unpack this concept further.

After writing a popular piece for Mind Body Green back in 2014, I am still blown away by the people that reach out to me weekly to share their specific romantic relationship dilemmas.

Here’s a confession: When I wrote the article I was struggling yet again for clarity to stay or to leave my current living situation with my then-boyfriend. The past relationship I referenced as the catalyst to reclaim my power in the article had been dissolved for almost SIX years at that point.

You read that correct: Six years! How was I still not getting this?!

Perusing the submission guidelines, I implored my Soul to respond to the following plea: What would it take to change my disempowering experiences in ALL of my relationships with men?

All at once my hands felt compelled to type as an answer. The article’s text poured out from my heart and onto my keyboard with ease. Maybe sharing my story would help both the reader and its writer to look at romantic relationships different.

At the time I lacked the courage to confront my current beau (he was a bit of a “rageaholic”) so I instead shared the story of my first marriage that had ended in divorce. Much of the tone of the article arose from feeling trapped by my current, rather than past, situation.

Here is an even bigger confession about writing that fateful article: I told the story from the helpless perspective and interpretation of the young, naive, newly-married girl I had been, not through my present, supposedly, more-evolved self.

My past self engorged her victimhood by giving away her power. To be clear: My ex was not a saint BUT he was not a monster either. We did Love each other AND we were deeply flawed when it came to creating a healthy relationship dynamic via open communication.

I chose to abdicate my choices to avoid accountability and possible “failure” by making a “wrong” choice. I needed him to be someone that made me feel small in order to protect myself from going Big with the possibility of falling on my face. 

I hope the preceding details provide you some background to understand my mindset as an author at that moment in time.

Now, let’s return to that pivotal afore-mentioned night…

Reading over my submission before hitting “send” to the editor at Mind Body Green, shame deluged my thoughts. My heart sunk with the realization that I was a fraud. Here I was sharing a story from my past about gaining clarity to reclaim my power by leaving an unhappy situation and yet there I sat alone on a sofa belonging to the latest man that I gave my decision-making power away to without a second thought.

It was true that I received an almost-mystical moment of clarity compelling me to leave my first marriage in order to reclaim my power by taking accountability for my decisions. It was indeed an awakening.

And yet, the slumber known as helplessness returned not long after the marriage officially ended. Time and again, I chose men that wanted to put a lampshade over my magnificence rather than empower me to Shine. The problem was not my ex. The problem was me being addicted to giving away my power.  

For a few moments I huddled under a soft throw, seeking comfort in some form before once again Kindly looking at my current predicament with eyes open. After what seemed like an agony of time, I heard my Inner Voice speak louder than my ego. 

This is the next step. Everything will come together once you Kindly surrender the guilt from your past shame and accept your Present without fear, and with total accountability, my own Voice echoed.

For the first time in a long time, I felt a wave of calmness and certainty wash over me. It was as though I suddenly remembered the lovely lilting melody to a forgotten favorite song from my childhood. 

This was my way out of the perpetual disempowerment. I had to shine a Light on to my past regrets in order to dispel its dark effects. With absolute clarity I now knew how to rewrite my story as the heroine, not the victim.

BUT

I still had to choose it over what had become ingrained as habit. In other words, I had to choose to come undone in order to be better. Surrendering, I asked my Inner Voice for direction to let go of all that did not serve my highest Self.

Guided by the silence, my hands returned to typing.

Accepting the task to change, I exhaled while clicking “send” on my laptop’s screen.

Within less than a day, I received acceptance from the editor. This was really happening. 

Somehow sharing an unhappy story from my past with grace rather than guilt emboldened me to change my present life by becoming Kindly Conscious of my decisions.

Through the process of submitting, editing and ultimately being published, clarity met me regarding my current situation. The undeniable answer: Leave.

But where?

And, when?

I had been all-too-eager to give-up my dreams to help my current boyfriend pursue his. No one forced me. It had been my choice. Now we shared his tiny apartment, dependent upon his decisions and dreams coming into fruition.

When I met him, my Rehab Pilates business was on-fire. As an expert in my field in the LA-Area I enjoyed success via word-of-mouth referrals and long-term client relationships. The whole focus of my work was forged upon the pillars of intuitive energy healing mixed with empowering positive change fused with Kindness.

Somehow though I forgot to learn what I taught so well when it came to my personal life. My chronic addiction to giving away my power led me to doubt my vision for my business due to my then-new-boyfriend being more of a business expert than me.

It did not take long for me to cease doing what had worked for me in order to please him. In less than a year after meeting him, my business came to almost a complete standstill. I longed for his approval and counsel. Making decisions overwhelmed me on every level, so I stopped.

In retrospect I was afraid to be accountable if my dreams did not manifest or failed. Instead of facing that uncertainty, I gave away my power to determine my destiny.

After doing so, our relationship sank quickly from codependency to contempt. I resented him, but shame from putting myself into the unhealthy situation kept me from changing the dynamic until writing the fateful Mind Body Green article.

The amount of positive feedback from readers that related to my story and addiction to giving away power blew me away AND buoyed my confidence. Deciding to make space for “the how” to leave to arise, I daily envisioned my life beyond my current circumstances. I journaled too, strengthening the tone and pitch of my Inner Voice with each word I chose to chronicle.

One journaling session led to a new awareness: All that I had been seeking outside for a man to provide to me in the form of validation already existed within me. It was time to “be in a relationship” with myself. It was time to become what I had been looking for my whole life: My Soulmate.

Distancing myself emotionally from my current boyfriend, I began to “date” myself. During one “date” I explored antique shops, art galleries and even garage sales, hoping to cultivate my “likes” and “dislikes” regarding design and aesthetic. Up until that point, I let the man I was with dictate my preferences. I hated the idea of making a “wrong” decision, so I made none other than choosing to give away my power to choose.

Within a few weeks of “dating” myself I felt the heaviness lift from my heart. Little by little, I was freeing myself from the burdens of self-doubt and helplessness. Through practicing self-care, I became the hero of my story. I still did not know the specifics for extraditing myself from my present living situation with my then-boyfriend, BUT I did know I was ready to make the move whenever the opportunity arose.

Luckily, I would not have to wait long from my “how.” 

Less than six weeks after publishing the article with Mind Body Green, an unexpected family medical crisis arose, providing me with the means for an exit.

Once relocated with my family I made a vow to remain “in a relationship” with myself for one year, no matter who I met along the way. 

Each day for 365 days I delved deeper into the process of becoming Kindly Conscious while amplifying the sound of my Inner Voice louder than my ego. I had to Kindly undo every aspect of the mindset that led to my past addiction to giving away my power. 

It did not happen overnight, BUT it did happen. In less than a year I traded playing small for manifesting Miracles.

(Note: Stay tuned for future posts detailing more specifics of the magic that came to be once I reclaimed my right to Shine and Share my Light)

Things changed from the moment I undid the mindset that was not serving my highest self. Next, I shared my story without defense or apology. Then, EVERYTHING changed once I became Kindly Conscious of reclaiming my power by being my own best Soulmate.

That is only a piece of my story and it probably sounds like some of your story too.

There is much more to share.

I’m on the Journey with you. 

Will you Go Kindly with me by sharing your experience below?

Or, Kindly drop me a note: Let’s connect to Ignite a Kindly Conscious Conversation.

Love & Light,

Nanci

 

 

 

 

 

 

nancibesserreed

Hiya Kindness Conversationalist! I'm Nanci and my passion is Igniting Kindly Conscious Conversations With Your Mind AND Body. As a Pilates Instructor, Intuitive Healer, Emotional Intelligence Specialist & Lifestyle Blogger my Vision is to Empower You to live your Best Life. I'm on the Journey with you. Will You Go Kindly with me?

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2 Comments

  1. Rosie says:

    WOW…. My hats OFF to you… For your bravery and courage. Thank you for sharing with many of us the wisdom that some of us lack.
    It amazes me how I came about your blog and the similarities we all women share..
    I’ve been in an unhappy marriage for more than 20 years. It almost makes me feel ashamed for staying with this man for so long. If I wrote an article it would be title Physically Free Emotionally Encaged.. Like I said my story is long..
    Thank you again

    1. nancibessereed says:

      Thank you Rosie for finding me and for connecting. Please do keep in touch and let me know how I can help you best. Love & Light, Nanci

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