2014: The Year of Letting Go Of Who I Thought I Should Be & Kindly Embracing Who I Am


Why is it that in the very end we immediately think back to the beginning? What is it about wrapping things up that piques our interest to revisit the past? It amazed me that 2014 was a year of so many endings and their correlated new starts.

When it comes to relationships with others and with ourself any sort of ending sparks a renewed focus upon how it all came to be. The year of 2014 was filled with numerous lessons disguised as seeming sufferings and setbacks. After losing my dear mentor at the end of 2013, the following January emerged with little fanfare.

As the month progressed and the grief of my loss took hold, the real learning began. Tumbling adrift without a mechanism to ground myself, I hurled headfirst into the chaos. My health took a turn for the precarious and my days were soon filled with doctors, waiting rooms, tests, pills and more tests.

Thankfully, my symptoms soon gave way to diagnosis. However the conclusion only became known once I embarked down the path of alternative/Eastern medicine. My astute acupuncturist discerned the cause of my ills to be my inconsolable grief and my semi-conscious decision to douse my internal “fire” of livelihood courtesy of the free-flowing tears that still fell more days than not.

Coldness permeated every pore of my being. Without my internal spark of purpose, I was beginning to cease being at all. I went through the motions, distant and detached. People came into and out of my life without me registering any of the significance or impact.

In hindsight it is clear to me that I was living a half life. I had one foot in living and one foot in my sadness. The acupuncture helped to realign my energy and to bring my being back into balance.

It’s funny because I only shared my profound grief with a few of those closest to me. On the surface I looked OK. I took care of my appearance, I showed up on time, I even laughed and smiled. However, when left to my solitude, the tears tumbled down my cheeks until my tongue tasted the saturation of salt.

I knew this emotional turmoil would not last forever but simultaneously I had not one clue how to hang in there long enough to see it run its course. The only solace I found from this agonizing duality arrived in the form of writing. Perching my laptop upon my folded knees, I would type until the tears stopped.

Amazingly the sadness began to lift each time I chose to stop and write.

Reflecting upon my inner musings led me to discover the conflict between who I thought I should be and who I am.

I am a storyteller, an optimist, a possibilities-believer and kindly-minded creator. I am NOT a fear-driven, hesitant, naysayer, literalist. You won’t find me living a 9-5 life; I will meet you wherever you are and whenever I can be of service.

Little by little throughout 2014 through the process of writing,  I integrated all of the seeming separate pieces of me into one whole, Me. Each experience, interaction, loss, gain, failure and success were the same: they all provided me the opportunity to choose to “go kindly” forward or not.

By “go kindly” I mean that I could accept what was and be open to the best outcome unfolding or I could lock down into needing a specific outcome to unfold and build a fortress of intractability around my heart and soul. This ever-present choice is never not an option. It is up to each one of us to choose whether we embrace our power with kindness or with fear.

Coming from a mindset of kindness equates with abundance. Only unkindness knows scarcity. Kindness is not passive and it is not “nice.” It roars with gentleness and shakes the foundation of every belief founded upon fear. 

The greatest awareness of the processing the grief of the past year was reigniting my inner flame by stoking the fires to crank up the volume of my inner voice.  Remembering how to tune into my intuition, ushered my health woes out as quickly as they arrived. Allowing myself the grace to grieve brought about the final step to reintegrate all the severed connections between me and living a full life.

People from all over the globe reached out to me via my writings. The universal desire for a bold redefinition of kindness became abundantly clear. At last I knew the first step of the journey of the rest of my life: Go Kindly.

The more I let go of what does not belong with me the easier it is to embrace all that which belongs to me. This translates to “Be kind and free your mind.” It’s really quite simple and you can do it.

In transitioning from 2014 into 2015 I am once again embracing life with hope. It is my hope to practice being kind in a radical way. What do I mean by “radical” you might wonder?

Well, I’m so glad you asked…I want to shift the comprehension and application of kindness from specific acts to a non-exclusive and abstract extension of a non-specific mindset that reflects who I really am.

What are your answers, kind reader, to the two questions I posed at the start of this post? Mindfully consider your responses as they can help shape the direction of the first step of the journey of the rest of your life. 

Let’s use 2015 as the catalyst to join with me on the lifelong journey and desire to “Go Kindly” forward from this moment, I’d love to hear from you. Ask me about how to join my “12 Steps To Go Kindly Through 2015” master class. Enrollment is limited. Email me at nancibesser@gmail.com for more information. 


Hi! I'm Nanci Besser Reed. As a Mindset + Pilates Mentor, I help heart-centered women renew and reset their Mind AND Body via Pilates + Mindfulness. I offer private and group sessions via Zoom and other online platforms. I'm also a blogger and frequent contributor to aligned publications.

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